People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Ummm
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.