Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.