[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.