even bears disappoint their mothers
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.