An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie