Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Hot hot hot 🥵
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.