I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
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Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.