Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Word.
~ Microsoft.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty