I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If snakes were wide
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*