“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
You Might Also Like
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Barbie gone wild
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: