Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Grandmother clock.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.