Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.