[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.