We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!