Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
August 8
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Lmao
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!