“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
#DesignFail
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower