[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Muppet Screams
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My birthstone is kidney
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college