3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Pretty much. 🤣
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Realize this:
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.