I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth