WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Monday?
No. Next question.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”