Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.