every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
That’s fair
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
early stone age tool