Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.