My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
i meant to share this earlier
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.