The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.