me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals