*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs