chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I did not eat the cake…
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Strange
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Lucky old June.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?