Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Has there ever been a more American story?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.