For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
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The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
It was worth a shot 😂
Something Saturday.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.