a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Pot warmers of the day.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.