Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.