‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.