no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
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Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Its true…
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”