Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Oh we’ve met.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.