Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Golf would be better with landmines.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics