The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.