Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Canada has crack?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
OMG 🤣🤣
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Autocarrot sucks!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”