Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
You Might Also Like
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
pat pat
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway