Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
You Might Also Like
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal