If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!