*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
You Might Also Like
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.