Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol