A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Squirrels before girls.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Reporter: *ports again*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
so much to do
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.