Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie