Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
You Might Also Like
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Catering service
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.