I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is