Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Catering service
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.