This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
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5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
the greatest twitter interaction
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
u spoke cat all this time??????
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.