Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.